Job

I've been on vacation for 11 days. I go back to work, technically, today. After vacation, you're supposed to be well rested and, maybe, see work in a new light.

Instead, I am panicky. Terrified. Depressed. I don't often get like this anymore and, as a result, this is a lot to deal with for me. While I didn't expect my reaction to coming back to be terribly positive... I didn't expect it to be quite so negative, either. This is awful.

The general premise of my job is actually quite enjoyable. It's the situational events that I don't enjoy. While I may have a flair for the dramatic, I genuinely feel like an outcast there. Everyone there hangs out outside of work and is good friends. I am the only one that is not friends. This is not a choice I made and, admittedly, I am in a very different place in my life compared to them. Most of them are in, at the very least, long term relationships, making families and own homes. Not only do I not have any of these things in my life but I, also, have no interest in them.

And.. I'm the weird one. Which, frankly, I enjoy. I've worked very hard to be comfortable with who I am and happily express it. Unfortunately, it makes me even more of a pariah. One of the many things I absolutely adore about myself, distances me from them even further. I'm not about to go change myself for their benefit... But it makes working with them quite difficult.

I do not work a job where socialization is avoidable. I spend much of my time with my coworkers, in the same space, cleaning or prepping. While I am capable of just not talking to them for six hours (or more) a day, it gets incredibly dull. Eventually, someone has to say something about something. Sometimes, it's work related but, eventually, it's not. It is when we haven't had a customer for over two hours and haven't said much of anything when my weirdness comes out. By my friends standards it is the norm. By my coworkers, it gets me labeled as the weird one.

The worst part of all of this, is that I move in a few days...by the end of the month, really. I don't have much packed, we don't even technically have a place yet and the situation is less than ideal. I'm only mildly concerned about that. The fact that my living situation is about to change in a rather drastic way isn't my main concern is disturbing.

I don't know how to fix all of this, either. I'm not sure there really is a way to fix my working situation, except, for finding a new job.

In the meantime, I have to endure...like I always do. Enduring isn't easy or painless, either.

silliness.

Not fun silliness, that's generally what that means. Today, I'm an over-emotional bundle of nerves and hormones. Ah, being a girl...what fun there is to be had.

Today is what I'd consider a darker day. Not depression, by any means, but full of bothersome thoughts and  terrors.

I've done some foolish, out of character things recently. A couple of them are quite good...and more than a few are not so good. I think I need a vacation. From my job, from this brain of mine, from many things.

I just need some comfort. Someone to tell me things will be okay...an extended hug, perhaps. Someone to pretend to care, if just for a moment. Just some fucking cuddles...I'm not asking for much, I think. I don't want to play, I don't want to fuck...I just want to be able to let go for a moment and breathe. I get so caught up in my own brain. It gets jumbled in here sometimes.

I have to add, a kitten just stopped running around to lay her head on my arm. It was very cute.

I don't have the support I need from the people I want it from...which is a curious thing. I am, admittedly, terrible at asking for help. I feel like when I do ask, it is not a possibility. I know I don't have good timing when it comes to being panicky and lost...but if I had good timing with that, it probably wouldn't be a real problem.

Today, I posted on Facebook about wanting cuddles and two people I never would have expected reached out to me. One on my post and one through text. The comment on my post was quite sweet and very much unexpected....and the one through text, I never would've thought they'd be so supportive.


 Is it wrong to deny given assistance from people I would never ask and hope for the people I do? Am I doing those who reach out a disservice by not accepting their care?

Feelings.

I am an emotional girl. I can be moody but emotional suits me better.

Emotion is generally a taboo topic for most.

Emotion is perceived as weak:

"Don't let your emotions rule you."
"Crying is pathetic."
"Letting people see how you feel makes you vulnerable."

And while there is some truth in that last one, that isn't always bad.

I've always been emotional. I was an emotional child and I'm an emotional adult. My mom shunned my emotion and people now dismiss me or think of me as naive. I don't care to change that and I don't care to hide it. I'm not afraid to be seen as weak or childish. Your opinion belong to you and you're entitled to them but that doesn't mean I need to let them effect how I run my life.

I like being emotional. I revel in it. I am secure in my feelings. I feel strongly and I like it. It is scary sometimes but I am grateful, nonetheless. Despite all of this, I'm very bad at anger. I don't express it well (read: at all) and it lasts a very short period of time. Upset, I can do. Oh, upset and I are friends.

I'm getting ahead of myself. When I feel, I feel completely. Wholly. All of me feels it. Sadness, makes my heart ache. Joy, it feels like singing. Love is more complicated. Call me cliched, but it is equally painful and beautiful.

Regardless of what I'm feeling, I want to bathe in it. I want to fill a bathtub and sink my entire self into it. I want to rest there and feel it until I understand it completely and am ready to move on. Which makes negative emotion dangerous and positive emotion overwhelming. And yet, all of it is comforting to me. Although, sometimes, I need a little bit of help getting out of that bathtub...which I'm not so good at asking for or accepting.

I'm not afraid of being judged. This is who I am and if you're ever close enough to see it and don't like it, things were obviously not meant to be. Not many people get to see this side of me. Most people see the outspoken, loud, clever girl...but not the mushy, gentle, sweet girl and I like it that way. Consider yourself special if you're one of those people.

Blog.

A girl and her blog.

I've been considering starting a blog for a long time now. I think a lot. I feel a lot. It would be nice to have somewhere to express that. Hopefully, here is the place.

I don't think I will talk much about my day to day life, although maybe. I'd more like to talk about my past and how it effects me, my future, hopefully and, more importantly, how I feel right now.